The scars are more than skin deep
EL PASO, Texas —It is not always as obvious as cuts and bruises, and can’t simply be concealed by makeup. Dating violence is a severe issue that leaves a permanent scar.
“I felt like my ex-boyfriend treated me as if he owned me. Instead of being loved and cared for as a human being, I felt like I was just a piece of property with no value, no self-confidence, no morals, and no dignity. I constantly asked myself on a day-to-day basis why I kept going back to him, but at the time, I didn’t feel worthy of being treated any better by anyone else.” This statement was derived from an individual, who requested her name to remain anonymous, whom I interviewed and asked how they felt about their experience with dating violence. “He tore me down physically and emotionally so often it became as if it were a daily routine. I began to believe that all the things he would say were wrong or bad about me were actually true. He would tell me he was the best I could ever have and that I were even lucky to have him at all. I was under his spell, he had me completely wrapped around his finger.” Young teens usually don’t like to admit to anyone that they are involved in an abusive relationship because they feel ashamed or frightened for anyone to find out.
Dating violence. (Illustration by Vianni Paquian)
According to the Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence, ACADV states a variety of reasons why young women choose to stay in abusive relationships. Many feel as if they are responsible for solving their own problems because it is their relationship or some feel there is no one to turn to for guidance. They believe their boyfriend’s jealousy, possessiveness and abuse is his way of being “romantic,” showing affection or intimacy. They trick themselves into believing abuse is normal and occurs in every relationship. Lastly, they feel as if there is no one who could relate or understand the situation they are in.
The ADAVC also explains reasons why young men become abusive. Abusers often believe they feel they have the “right” to control their female partners. They confuse “masculinity” for physical aggressiveness. These males feel the need to “possess” their partner in anyway possible. And they believe they should have the ability to demand intimacy when they want it. Finally, these young men may feel that if they are attentive and supportive towards their girlfriends, they will lose respect. Young women and men make up excuses for their partners abusiveness because they are unaware that it is unhealthy behavior or they mistake their aggressiveness for compassion.
According to abanet.com, statistics show that dating violence occurs in every one to five relationships. But according to Lucia Gadney, a licensed professional counselor in the state of Texas, “Statistics state dating violence is in every one to five relationships but in actuality it occurs in every one to three relationships, but many go unreported because of shame, guilt, and lack of education regarding their personal right.” Gadney also commented, “Many more adult women report domestic violence towards them, however, with adolescence both females and males are abused equally. Males tend to be more physically abusive while females are more likely to be emotionally abusive towards their partner. All types of abuse are destructive and detrimental to the victim. If a victim remains in an abusive relationship the pattern tends to escalate to more violence and the potential of death.”
Gadney explained that there is even a specific cycle to dating and domestic violence. First there is a build- up of tension and agitation, which causes fighting and constant debates. Second, explosion and abuse occur, in which physical harm begins. Lastly is the “honeymoon stage,” which refers to regret, apology and sincerity overwhelming the abuser after they have beaten their partner. This results in the abuser (in most cases the male), doing everything possible to make the partner forgive them by creating false promises to never hurt them again but usually once the cycle has begun, it becomes nearly impossible to break. Gadney says anyone involved in this type of situation should contact a dating hotline, such as, National Domestic Hotline or Love is Respect National Teen Dating Hotline, immediately before it’s too late.
The “red flags” all teens should look for when beginning a relationship are if he/ she is controlling by always wanting to know where you are at all times, being possessive by not allowing you to spend time with your friends or family. Abusers get jealous easily when you interact with others and tend to believe they are the only ones you need and try to control every aspect of your life, such as, who you can and cannot be friends with, what you wear and what your allowed to talk about with others. It continues on to what you can and cannot do, where you are allowed to go and sometimes may also go as far as what you can and cannot eat.
Abanet.com states that eighty- one percent of parents surveyed either believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they did not know if it was an issue and another fifty- four percent of parents admit they have not brought up dating violence to their children. Gadney’s reply to these surveys was, “Teens are becoming more unaware of how common dating violence really is and will continue to if parents, schools and the community continue to not inform the youth of this serious uprising issue. All it takes to show a child that you are there for them is simply just taking the time to talk to them and telling them that there is help out there and they are not alone.”
